I never met my father.
All I had was a few pictures my mom had, her recollection of events and her unwavering certainty that he was the one and only possibility to be my father. For years, I wondered who he was as a person. She told me all she could about the type of man he was by what she knew. I was bitter for a while that he had moved on with life, knowing I existed (from what my mom told me) and I was hurt that he seemed to have a new family - one in which I was not part of. He married and raised her kids, from all I know I was his only biological child.
I grew up despising Father's day. I celebrated it for my grandpa, who was the most important man in my life. He helped raise me and I thought the world of him. Then, January 4th 2005, he left me and went to heaven. I was destroyed for the longest time. I had another man in my life, who I called Uncle and also thought the world of. He was another father figure to me. Until 2015 when he committed an unspeakable crime and I no longer associate with him.
My mom was engaged for a few years to a man, he was good to her. To us. But I wouldn't let him fully in and I'm not sure why. I looked at him as a father figure as well, but for some reason he would never be my father. Not my real one - the one I wanted to ask why I wasn't good enough. Their relationship ended and I never saw him again.
So, from my history, every man in my life has let me down, left, or didn't stick around. It's affected me growing into a teen and my romantic relationships. I didn't trust men. Why should I? It took a while for me to trust the man who eventually stole my heart, and I was terrified he would break it. He never did - he never let me down. He stuck with me through ups, downs, sideways turns and the worst of everything. We faced loss together, marriage hiccups, happiness, everything.
Back to the story - When I was 17, I looked up every man with his name in the phone book and called. Upon the 4th call, I said the same spill "Hi, I know this may seem strange but do you know a woman named ---" And I'd say her nickname, not real name. He stuttered a moment and said, "Yes, why?" I felt like all air left my lungs, every limb shook and I felt the tears sting my eyes.
As I was not ready to actually find him in my search, I blurted out "I'm your daughter" and I'm sure I knocked him out of his seat. He asked to speak to my mom, they talked and she said, "Yes, she's yours. No I had no idea she was calling. She did this on her own." A few other things and then she said, "He wants to talk to you." I was worried he'd be angry, tell me never to contact him again. Instead, he asked me what made me call. I explained that hole. That piece of me that always remained a mystery. The need and desire to know the man in the picture. He was happy I called and then...
the phone disconnected. I was confused. A few minutes passed and he called back. We continued to talk for a bit and then the line disconnected again. I didn't understand what was happening. He called back and apologized. He explained his wife was angry that we were speaking and kept unplugging the phone. (This is the same woman who tore my baby picture up, according to my mom). So between her unplugging the phone we talked about an hour. I asked to meet him and he immediately agreed and asked when. We set a date and time. My mom was happy for me and said she'd make a gumbo. All morning the house wafted with the smells of the delicious pot of gumbo she slaved over - from scratch. I waited.
And waited.
A few hours after the set time he was to arrive passed, I called. No answer.
My soul was crushed and I was devastated. Again--I'd been let down. My then fiance (now husband) held me while I cried off and on for hours. I lost track of how many hours. My face was so puffy and swollen. I can't describe the feeling. I dismissed him from my life and vowed to never care again - I lied.
A year or so passed and my mom's health deteriorated. She was in and out of hospitals weekly. She had a surgery in November 2006 and was at Lafayette General recovering. I went home to shower and get things to go back when I got a call. It was my godmother. She said, "Honey I just called to tell you your daddy died. I'm so sorry."
I felt like someone punched me in the gut. How could I feel grief for a man I never knew? It was part grief, part anger and part disappointment. My chance to meet him would never ever happen now. I immediately looked up his obituary and cried. I cried again because he died never getting to hug me, shake my hand, meet my eyes, nothing. I grieved him. I won't lie.
Years passed and I tracked down his mother. I called her and she agreed to meet me. After telling her this same story, she dismissed my claims and asked me to keep this to myself because she didn't want the family upset by this. A few other things she said I'd rather not repeat. It didn't go well.
Again- I cried my eyes out.
At this point I was done trying. I could no longer hurt due to him or his family. So from 2008 to 2018 I left it alone.
I got bored one day and decided to facebook search his siblings. I found a woman who was married to his brother. Skimming through their photos I got tears in my eyes. This man - he looked so much like my father. Spitting image of him. He had my eyes! I sat on it for a few days. Then decided to message her. She said she would talk to the siblings and let me know. After a few weeks, she said they were all hesitant and not really wanting to answer about meeting. I guess I understood that, I mean it was probably a shock to all of them. She was so kind in trying to help, and I hated putting her in an awkward position. I thanked her for her time and chalked it up to being what it was. I didn't cry. I didn't get angry. I just decided to leave it be and let it stay buried.
Then I received a message from this woman I never met. She explained she was my father's nephew's wife. She had been adopted and understood my pain and my wonder of who my other family was. She told me she would love to meet me and so would my first cousin who was my father's brother's daughter. We planned to meet. A few days later she said that my father's nephew (her husband) also wanted to meet me. I was overjoyed, but afraid. Afraid of being hurt or stood up. But, despite those feelings, I went.
And I have no regrets. These people were kind to me, wanted to hear my story, shared stories of my father with me and accepted me at face value as his daughter. We stayed in touch and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Them accepting me like they did was a feeling I will never be able to describe and my thanks to them can never be paid. For Christmas, I was gifted an Ancestry DNA kit. I was told it was no pressure to do this but in case I wanted to, if we were related we would be matched since my father's nephew was in the system after doing his kit. I was thankful for this gift. The answers to everything were in my hand.
But I was afraid, too. What if my mom lied? What if she was wrong? What if I'll never know who my father was?
I pushed past those feelings and did the kit, sent it off, and eagerly waited for answers.
Those answers came today.
After years of wonder, curiosity, hurt, emotions, and waiting...I finally know the truth. Her husband is my first cousin, making me blood related to them, making this man I always thought and was told was my father - my father.
The relief I felt was unimaginable. I cried. Not for pain, but happiness. I finally know 100% without a doubt this is my family. He was my father.
I only wish I could have met him in person and gotten to know him. Do I have any of his quirks? Traits? Personality?
But now, I can move forward with my life knowing the truth and knowing my mom never lied to me. I hate that I doubted her for a moment. I hate that I can't tell her about this. So now, we break the news to his siblings and I wait to see if I will ever meet them. I hope I do. But for now, I'm happy with knowing and being a part of the acceptance I received from the ones who have given it thus far. You've changed my life. You've helped me find answers and you will never understand how much it means to me.
So, with that long, personal story, I say thanks for reading!
--Lauren
In my baby book, the picture I had of him
